


Va'num

by Taaya



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Cat, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Loneliness, Loss, Own spaceship, drunk kirk, spirk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-13
Updated: 2016-08-24
Packaged: 2018-08-08 13:23:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 8,639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7759402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Taaya/pseuds/Taaya
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Spock gets promoted, Jim has to face losing his best friend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Promoted

Jim tugged at his dress uniform, a little nervous. How was it that this bloody piece of cloth would not want to look as if it were anything else than a potato bag? But still he had to wear it, he had no choice. It was not an everyday event to be invited to a private dinner with an Admiral. Just Spock and him. 

The Enterprise was docked at Starbase 8 to get a full check up and a few technical additions so that problems with the warp engine, that were found not long ago, would soon be forgotten. They even planned on raising the limits of maximum warp speed 0.02 points. All non-technical crewmen were allowed to take shore leave on the station for the time it took to update the ship’s systems and Jim had spent the last days using their library, browsing through books, both on PADD and on paper, that were published since they left Earth for the 5 year mission. He had bought a few little things, spices mostly, but some bottles of alcohol as well as Bones managed to deplete his reserves faster than Jim had anticipated.  
But today the USS Yosemite had docked as well, to transport Admiral Fitzgerald to the station. And to Jim’s surprise his superior officer had invited them over, not for a briefing but for dinner.

“Any idea what the Admiral might want to talk about?”, Jim asked his First Officer, still trying to get his uniform to fit yet a little better, obviously in vain as these things were not made to look good, but to embarrass everyone who had to wear them. Everyone except for Spock who looked as if he was born to wear such formal clothes. How was it that anyone could look as stunning in this thing?

“I do not see any reason to speculate as we will soon find out”, Spock replied calmly, waiting for Jim to be ready. Finally they left for the Admiral’s quarters. 

~~~~~~

“Gentlemen, please sit down”, Fitzgerald invited them in, directing them to a table already full of different dishes. “Help yourselves. You will find that there are human and vulcan dishes as well as a few from other planets. I prefer martian vegetable soup, I have to say. Carrots that grew on mars are much more delicious.” He smiled openly and his eyes lightened up. Jim had to admit that the man was quite likeable. And obviously he liked to talk. A lot.

They were silent most of the time, only listening and commenting on what the Admiral told them. But after a while Jim decided to ask: “Admiral, forgive me for being bold but is there a certain reason why Mr. Spock and I are here tonight? The food is wonderful, of course, but you would not bother getting so much food if there was no reason, right?” 

Fitzgerald frowned. “I thought that would be obvious? Have the news not yet reached you? We are celebrating Spocks promotion and first command.” 

It was as if time stood still. A short eternity there was nothing to be heard, just the ventilation systems. Spock froze and even though his mimics stayed the same as always, Jim could have sworn the vulcan stared at the Admiral, while he himself choked on his andorrian corned beef. 

“I was unaware of being promoted”, Spock finally admitted and turned to his Captain. “Have you suggested my promotion, Sir?” 

Kirk shook his head. “No.” Slowly he realized how that must have sounded and added: “I never really thought about it. I would have done it at the end of our mission but I before? Why changing a winning team?” But now it happened. They were taking Spock away from him and he had no right to keep his best friend from taking this chance. 

The vulcan thought for a while before turning to the Admiral again. “I never wished to get a command position of my own. I prefer scientific work and therefore I would prefer staying on the Enterprise, Sir. I am ...sorry.” The word sounded strange to both his own and Jim’s ears, but Spock decided to submit to human courtesy as much as possible in this situation as it was already delicate enough.

But Fitzgerald smiled. “And that’s exactly why we wanted you. The Federation decided to launch a vessel dedicated to science and science alone. Minimal weaponry. Thirty labs, three of them for alien animals alone, three more for plants and how they could be used for Federation purposes, … You would still be a scientist. But you have proven yourself quite capable of fulfilling administrative tasks as well and that’s why you’re our first choice. Think about it. I will send you the details later this evening. If you agree to become her Captain, we will leave in two days, so you can see your new ship. She will be ready to start her journey in less than four months. And I’ve gotta tell you, she’s a real beauty.” His eyes lightened up, talking about the ship and Jim could have sworn the Admiral would have loved to command her himself if he had the choice. 

But no, Spock was the one they wanted. His Spock. And Jim was unable to say anything. He just felt as if someone just ripped his heart out.


	2. Despair

“So”, Jim said, once they finally stepped out of the quarters. He had been quiet the rest of the evening but drank way too much wine, while the other two men talked about science and what such a ship as this new one could achieve. 

“So?” Spock arched a brow and looked at his still superior officer, stretching out an arm behind Kirk to be able to catch him, as the captain did not exactly walk like a sober man would. 

“What are you thinking? Already packing your stuff in your mind? Getting ready to leave us all behind? I would do it, you know? I would … run away from all of this, to your own ship, your own silver lady.” Jim was happy that he was too drunk to really sound hurt. It broke his heart to know that his friend would leave. That there would never be a chance to be more than friends. Why had he not acted upon his feelings earlier? 

“You are clearly inebriated. But I am yet unsure what to do.” Spock was tempted. But he had to leave the Enterprise, had to leave Jim. Of course, Jim loved women and Spock was a man, therefore the human would never be able to reciprocate the deep love Spock felt for him. But love, this simple feeling, was not about owning a person, but about doing all one could do to keep this person safe and satisfied. And he had intended to do so. But now? 

“It’s only logical, isn’t it? You are a scientist. We explore new territories, yes, but what you could do with this new ship…? You should go. You belong there. You do not belong here anymore.” 

Spock looked at Jim, hurt, but the human was looking straight ahead, not seeing the man next to him and so the vulcan nodded. “Indeed. It is the logical thing to do. I hereby ask to be reliefed of duty as first and science officer on the Enterprise, Sir.” Jim clearly did not want him, not even as a friend. How else could one explain such harsh words? 

And Jim felt as if he was stabbed in the heart with a dagger of ice. No, there had never been a chance to be anything more than friends. And now they lost even their friendship. “Agreed. You are no longer part of my crew. Pack your belongings and … bon voyage.” With this Jim changed his path. Even though it would be a detour, he could not stand being around Spock anymore.


	3. Parting of the ways

Even though he had been reliefed, Spock took the time to meet up with all the heads of scientific subdepartements to make sure he left without leaving behind any problems. And Spock downloaded all his own research so that he could complete his work once he had the opportunity.   
He carefully avoided meeting Jim again in this last hours he had to spend on board, took to silently say goodbye to the one home he had in life. The human should not think that bidding farewell to the Enterprise and her crew was hard for Spock. 

~~~~~

He stepped into the transporter room, wearing his dress uniform once again. It was not really a tradition to stand in line all the way to the transporter platform if a first officer was leaving the ship for good, usually it was only done for the captain, but this time all his colleagues stood there, wishing him goodbye. Some, like Uhura and Nurse Chapel, even had tears in their eyes. But Spock just nodded. He felt honoured, of course, but his vulcan heritage forbid him to show any sign of pain of separation. 

But it got harder once he reached the room and saw Jim standing there. The human’s face was blank, a carefully applied mask of nothingness. But Spock could not look through it. How could a emotional human being be so uneffected by him leaving the Enterprise?   
He turned toward the platform, when a voice stopped him. “Goodbye, Mr. Spock. Captain Spock, I mean. Good luck with your first command.” Obviously Kirk had decided to at least be polite. But he offered his hand. It was a human gesture of which he should have known better. 

Spock thought for a moment but decided that it was impolite not to take the hand to shake it. But when hot vulcan skin met the cold human hand, he had to take a step back. Waves of pain radiated from Jim and Spock had to quickly build up all mental shields he was able to produce, so he would not flinch.   
He arched an eyebrow and nodded slowly. He understood. 

“Goodbye, Jim”, he said, trying to keep his voice calm. Coffee coloured eyes met hazel ones and Jim nodded, too. Spock might look stoic, but there was something in his eyes that made the human’s stomach hurt. They had wasted two precious days just because they were both too stubborn to say out loud how much they would miss each other. And there was no turning back now. “Write me, will you? Might be a nice diversion from all this duty reports.” 

“I will. Permission to leave the ship?” 

Jim asked himself, what would happen, if he said no. But there was an admiral waiting for Spock, so it might probably be a bit not good to not let the vulcan go. “Permission granted. Mr. Scott? Engage!” And there his best friend, the one person he had always loved, disappeared into scattered atoms, to be put together again somewhere far away. And he could do nothing but watch, even when everything was over and everbody else had already left the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I admit, I cried writing this. 
> 
> Sorry for the references in this one. I could not restrain myself. 
> 
> Next one might get a bit dull, at least when it comes to relationship stuff, but I think it has to be this way. ;)   
> It'll get better. Slowly. Some day.


	4. Arrival

The journey to the dry dock had taken many days but Spock used them well. He had been giving the possibility to pick his crew himself, at least the scientists. But not only that. Starfleet had obviously wanted him so badly to accept this command, that they gave him the right to name the ship. 

“Here’s a list of all suggestions made by the engineers building her”, Fitzgerald had said, giving him a PADD with at least 30 names on it. “Her working title was Explorer, but then there was this married couple of scientists buying their own little spaceship to make surveys around the rings of a planet somewhere in one of the Gliese systems - I think it was one of the fourhundred-somethings - and they called their ship Explorer. So now the name is off the table. They don’t want two ships with the same name flying around in Federation space.” 

There had been 20 human names, such as Rose of Heavens. Mostly very poetic, but very inacceptable. Three names were andorrian, one klingon - even Spock was able to detect a joke once it punched him in his face - but there were also some vulcan names. And finally a name was found. 

“Va’num”, he said at one of their regular dinners. “It’s vulcan. A verb. To probe, to explore or to investigate.” Fitzgerald smiled. “So you’re calling her Explorer again, just in another language? I like it.” 

~~~~~

And now there she was, right in front of him as he stood in the transport shuttle taking him to his own ship. It hurt that he was far away from the Enterprise, had not seen Jim for almost two months, but there was something else as well. Pride. Yes, he was proud that this ship was his and now he finally understood why the Enterprise was the one love in James Kirk’s life. He would never compare a ship to a lover or a wife, but now he was sure that he wanted to protect her, wanted to get to know her. She was his. 

She was a beauty of grey and black, although he knew that once she was ready to fly the black would vanish and she would lighten up with the life inside her, radiating out through the window in golden shine of artificial illumination. 

The Va’num was smaller than the Enterprise, but still had a crew of 200 people. And now he stepped onto his ship and the crew stood in line. All the people he had picked himself and the best engineers available at the moment. They looked at him, proud that they had been chosen, their eyes lightened up with anticipation and happiness - except for two vulcan crewmen. Still … there was something missing. 

~~~~~

This evening he sat down in his quarters and for the first time he recorded a message for Jim. 

‘Dear Jim, 

today I was officially promoted and took over the command of the USS Va’num. I will send you the ship’s technical data as an attachment. In one week we will launch and head toward 61 Virginis to explore the system. [Still the human part of me wishes that you could be here to see the ship and her crew. Computer, delete the last sentence.] I will write again as soon as there is something to report. Until them live long and prosper 

Captain Spock’

He made sure that there was no trace of the deleted sentence, so that it could not be restored. But still saying it out loud, even only to the computer made it hurt less. For the moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now there will be mostly letters/messages for a while ;) 
> 
> (I take requests for missions for both ships, if anyone wants to read something specific.)


	5. Long distance calls

‘Dear Spock, 

things are pretty boring right now. We’re on patrol at the romulan neutral zone, because the ship that was assigned to do it, had some technical issues. The crew is annoyed, as you can ima… no, you can’t imagine. Vulcan, I know. Anyways, thanks for your message. I was already beginning to think you won’t keep your promise. Your ship sounds great. I wish I could see her, the blueprints look fantastic.’ 

He paused. This sounded so strange. Never before had he talked to Spock in such a manner. But they were not exactly colleagues anymore. He was no longer Spock’s superior officer and therefore had no reason to double check every single word to make sure it would not be a diplomatical disaster in a mixed-species command team. They were just friends. The thought hurt, but at the same time he felt ...free. Now he could say everything he wanted to say and it would not hurt the entire Enterprise. Still, there was a friendship he had to care for, too. So best not overuse his freedom. 

‘You truly deserve her, eventhough I have to admit that I miss having you around. I can’t hide from Bones anymore if you won’t let me flee into your quarters with the chess board and a good bacon sandwich instead of this salad he wants me to eat every single day.   
But now everything is different and it takes time to adjust. In a few days time my new first officer is about to come aboard. I don’t know anything about him yet. But Scotty is happy to be back with his warp core soon. Seems he doesn’t like having your job.’ 

He paused again. Maybe he should take some time to read through his new second-in-command’s file? But no, better not ruin the first impression. 

‘Anyway. Sorry, I overtexted you with so much nonsense. It’s just .. Well, I have no one to talk to right now. Not like with you. Okay, I’ll stop whining now and … Good luck, Spock. Send messages more often, will you? 

Jim’ 

~~~~~~

Spock listened to the message that just arrived a few minutes ago and was glad to be alone. Hearing the human’s voice hurt. And soothed him at the same time. They were friends again and Jim … He was chattering about so many banalities, but Spock enjoyed it - of course he would not admit it! It felt like being home again. At least for fractures of a second. 

‘Dear Jim, 

indeed, my ship is aesthetically pleasing to the eye. But compared to the Enterprise the Va’num is only outstanding in the number of laboratories.’ 

Spock frowned. He found it hard to talk about such unimportant things without even being able to see his friend’s face in response of the words. 

‘Give the doctor my regards. I might send him a list of plants we just discovered that serve the same purpose as salad but, according to my crew, taste like bacon crisps or chicken wings. We still need to see if there are long term effects but by now Starfleet discusses the possibility to grow them on spaceships to provide the necessary vitamins without the need to force healthy, but slightly dull tasting food on individuals such as you are.’ 

He paused, because he heard a sound from his bed. Without telling the computer to halt the recording, he continued: ‘Ah, there you are. How did you manage to not only slip out of your cage but also come into my quarters? Jim, I am afraid I must terminate the message for now as a feline passanger obviously decided that my bed was more comfortable than a cage in the lab and … Oh. I think it just went into labour. 

Captain Spock’ 

He contacted one of the ship’s vets and sat down next to the furry creature, pressing at certain points to ease it’s pain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That just sort of happened. I had no intend to give Spock a pet, but ... it just wrote itself. Well, to be fair, he always was a cat person.


	6. Miss you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some of the next chapters, including this one, are influenced by songs. I'll quote (and if necessary translate) the passages I refer to.

‘Und manchmal kommt’s mir vor  
als ob ich deine Stimme hör.   
Und grade heute fehlst du mir besonders laut’ (Ina Müller - Drei Männer her) 

Translation:   
And sometimes I’ve got the feeling  
I could hear your voice.   
And today I miss you particularly loud. 

~~~~~~

It had been two weeks since Spock sent the last message, which meant that even giving the delay of subspace communication he had not recorded anything for at least five days after he recieved Jim’s reply (some babbling about how he wanted to have the plants NOW, and a lame joke that Spock had finally had a girl in his bed, that he deleted before sending the message).   
Jim walked through the corridors like a ghost. He missed his friend and he wanted to know, what had happened to the cat. 

Today they had been to one of the planets near the neutral zone to examine it. The weather had been harsh, cold and rainy and still Bones had said something about it feeling just like home. And Jim waited and waited, but there was no response about it being illogical to have a melancholic, warm feeling connected to a climate that made the landing party obviously feel miserable. He just knew how Spock would have reacted and the abscence of this reaction was just too much to bear. So this evening he sat down again and recorded another message. 

‘Spock, 

you can’t just tell me about baby kittens being born in your bed and then go silent. That’s not fair. Now I’ve been sitting here for two weeks, wondering what happened. It’s silly, I know it is. But your messages are the highlight of my weeks. 

Okay, so … what happened on Enterprise? Our new first arrived. Turns out Billy is a woman’s name nowadays. Billy Arlington. She’s ... tough. You know, we had a landing party down on a planet today and she would not allow me to go down. Regulations, she said. The captain is too important. What if I get hurt? And when I told her that I got hurt plenty of times and it always turned out well, she took that as a point for her position. Can you believe this? Okay, the weather was horrible down there, but I don’t want to be confined to my ship if I could explore new planets. She kinda sent me to my room! 

[And then there’s the thing that … It just isn’t the same without you around. I always turn around if Bones says something and try to see your reaction and … you’re just not there. But in my head, I hear your voice, I hear your answer, I hear you two banter and I just miss it. I miss you so badly. Computer? Delete everything after ‘room’.] 

I guess it’ll take time to make sure she’s at least an adequat addition to this crew. Okay, I guess I need to get some sleep now. Please tell me what happened after your last message, I’m excited to hear everything about it. 

Jim’ 

He rubbed his burning eyes, and pressed the button to send it without erasing the data fragments the computer usually left of deleted parts if they were in fact needed afterwards. Then he walked toward his bed, let him self fall onto it and immediately fell asleep. 

~~~~~~

Somewhere else in the galaxy, a little more than four days later Spock listened to the recording and arched a brow. There was an attachment to the message. Fragments for restoration of deleted parts. He should not restore them, he knew, but one human flaw he never had been able to surpress was curiosity. But when he heard the formerly deleted parts his eyes started to sting. It took some minutes to regain control, before he sat down onto his bed, surrounded by four kittens and their mother, and asked the computer to start recording. 

‘Dear Jim, 

I apologize for not replying to your last message. The past weeks have been quite eventful. As you might be able to hear, there are now five feline creatures living in my quarters as the mother bites everyone trying to take her away from here. But we found a compromise that she and her offsprings will not sleep in my bed. Unfortunately my part of the compromise seems to be that they climb onto it, whenever they are not willing to sleep. Still I do in fact think about keeping at least one of them as only one was intended to be researched.’ 

One of the kittens just had crawled into his lap and he petted it absent-mindedly, so it started to purr. It was a golden furred creature with hazel eyes, his favourite. He had started to call it ‘Captain’. Jim was too personal and too easily to understand, but Captain was suitable as it ‘wore’ command gold. 

‘Your new first officer is right. It is a new regulation that you have to stay aboard. In fact I do recall that you being hurt on a rather regular basis was the reason Starfleet installed this regulation in the first place. But I am sure, that you will find a way to break this rule without anyone noting it in their reports. Commander Arlington will probably soon adjust to the way the Enterprise is managed. I have absolute faith in your ability to persuade her. 

I have to go, as it is feeding time now and there is a small kitten trying to chew on my fingers which you might recall are sensitive to the touch, but Jim? I miss you, too.

Spock’ 

He had thought about saying more about the deleted part of Jim’s message, but could not think of proper words. No, that had to be enough, especially as it was exactly how he felt since he had left the Enterprise. 

“So, I assume you are in need of food?”, he asked the adult cat and carefully removed all kittens that climbed on his body before standing to find her something to eat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Might not be so many chapters left. Actually I wanted this to be my first novel-length fic, but right now I only have plans left for maybe five more chapters. Let's wait and see if I can come up with more that is actually worth writing.


	7. Music

And so I listen to the radio  
and all the songs we used to know  
I listen to the radio  
remember where we used to go.  
( The Corrs - Radio )

~~~~~  
It had been a few weeks in which Spock always sent him pictures of the kittens. Soon they were able to live on their own and the Vulcan was thinking about how many he should keep. And Jim had to admit that he was falling in love with one of them himself. According to Spock’s rather enthusiastic messages when it came to speaking of his cats, there was a small, thin, black kitten that was quiet and shy, but also the cleverest of the bunch. And for some reason Jim thought it would be just a furry version of Spock. 

‘Dear Spock, 

I love to hear about your cats. I really do, that’s not just me being polite. I’m glad you found someone to keep you company even if I’d prefer to be there myself.   
Would you do me a favour? After you talking about the kittens that much, I think I … I mean obviously you can’t keep all of them. And if you do not want it, I’d take the black, thin furball. He’s just too cute to let him become a lab rat. Or rather lab cat. Don’t worry, I grew up on a farm, I know how to take care of kittens. We had some ourselves. And two huge dogs. 

Anyway, I guess I should keep you up to date as well. It’s been a long time now and I’m still not allowed to be part of landing parties. Arlington is … She’s a bit like you, loyal, always working within the lines of our directives, but the one difference is that she really is a pain in the ass about all of this. You had a way of changing my mind slowly, softly. And she’s not even trying to. “It’s regulation, we can’t break the rules” and that’s it.’ 

He had given a rather lousy impression of his new first officer. 

‘I guess I just miss the good old times. Don’t worry about me, though. I’ll be fine.   
So … What else is there to say? We’re still near the neutral zone, but flying further from earth. There are a few systems not yet explored and Starfleet thought since we’re here and on patrol, we have time to do that as well. I’ve gotta say, it’s rather nice to be able to do that. I mean I would prefer to actually see worlds no one saw before, but at least we have something else to do than wait for an attack that is hopefully not going to happen.   
I hope your research is interesting as well? 

I gotta go. Bones and I will eat dinner together. But … you know what? If it’s okay, name the kitten Elf, yeah? You don’t have to understand. And I’ll take him if you don’t want him. Such a cutie pie.   
As I said, gotta go. Still miss you though. 

Jim’ 

He sent the message and left his quarters to meet Bones in the mess where many people were sitting together. Most of them were already finished and while some played cards, Uhura sang for her friends, including Billy Arlington. 

“So, you’ve been talking to the overgrown elf again?”, Bones asked and Jim nodded, but his thoughts were trapped in the past. Usually Uhura would not be singing on her own. There would have been long, slender fingers pulling strings, carressing a foreign looking instrument to accompany her. Oh how he missed hearing Spock play.

~~~~~

He was not sure if Bones had been the reason why he drank way too much or if it was him being miserable because Spock was not there. All Jim remembered the next morning was that his head was probably as large as the Enterprise herself and there was a female body in his bed.   
He lifted the covers just enough to get a glimpse of the sleeping woman and sighed. He wanted to get his first officer into bed, but not THIS one! What did he do?

~~~~~

Spock sat on the bed, listening to Jim’s message. “Is the name ‘Elf’ agreeable to you?”, he asked the black kitten, watching it flee behind the pillow in response.”You should know that there is no reason to fear me. I will do you no harm. In fact I intend to give you to the one person I trust more than myself. He seems to be lonely, which is, as far as I know, an emotion humans do suffer from immensely.” 

Still the kitten stayed hidden and Spock surpressed a sigh. He stood up and took his lute. And just when he began to play Elf came out and even climbed onto Spock’s lap. The vulcan continued playing, and maybe there was even a hint of a smile on his lips, until he remembered the last time he played the lute on the Enterprise. Jim been there, first on his own, only eating his meal but when Spock and Uhura made music he came closer, forgot the distance between a captain and his crew and soon everybody in the mess was just part of the group listening and humming to the sound. 

The song changed and soon Spock was playing something sad and melancholic without even noticing it. 

He played several hours until all cats were sleeping on his bed - where was he supposed to sleep? - and decided it was time to reply to Jim’s message. 

‘Dear Jim, 

I suggest you get to know your first officer and try to change her mind instead of having her change yours. I remember that you also had the capability to do so. 

We are awaiting our new mission as we have finished our recent research. There is nothing to be reported about it at this time as it was uneventful.   
As for the cat I will take care of Elf until we see each other again. But I have to tell you that he is not exactly extroverted. I might record some vulcan music and send it to you. It might help to get him out once he is hiding which seems to be his favourite activity. If you still wish to adopt him, he is yours. I decided on keeping the golden kitten which is named Captain because of the colour of the fur. He is curious and has a tendency to get himself into trouble therefore he has to have someone to take care of him.   
I will soon send you all data I have gathered about Elf and more pictures.   
Until then I bid you farewell

Spock’

He sent the message and turned to look at Captain. That little kitten was as close to Jim as possible. Always risking his life to explore new worlds, like the top shelf of Spock’s cupboard. And he always liked to be close to Spock, looking for a way to get into physical contact. Until Captain Jim had been the only one who would ignore Spock’s no touch policy - and Spock missed that. If only Jim could be here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's wrong with me? I'm not even a cat person. I'm allergic to cats and still for some reason I just can't image Spirk without having a cat anymore.


	8. Drunk

What can I do to make you love me?   
What can I do to make you care?  
What can I say to make you feel this?   
What can I do to get you there?  
( The Corrs - What can I do )

~~~~~~

The next weeks were awkward. Jim tried to avoid meeting Commander Arlington while she had been trying to court him or as Bones put it, she was flirting her butt off. But at least now she allowed him to go on the planetside whenever he liked as long as there were two security men around him all the time. Still Jim felt miserable. Not only would he probably break that woman’s heart, he also broke his ‘no sex with your crewmen unless it’s Spock’-rule he had been able to stick to for the last three years. 

And he felt guilty. He knew he would never get Spock, and he had cheated on the fantasy of having Spock at least a dozen times in the last years, but this time was different. This time it had been his replacement. 

Out of shame he recorded less and less messages for Spock and usually only focussed on what the ship was doing right now, asking how Elf was and that was it. But the one night he had drunk a little too much - thanks to Bones once again. 

‘Dear Spock, 

how is my little kitty cat? Elf, I mean. Not you. Obviously. You’re not mine. And not a cat, I guess. Although I bet you’d purr if anyone would tickle you. Oh, how I’d love to try it.   
Anyways, you! I need your help. You are Mr. Ice himself and even when Miss Chapel was hitting on you badly you could turn her down again and again. How do you do this? I need to learn it as well. You know this Billy … I was just a little tipsy and then we were in bed and now she thinks we’re a couple or something and … shit, I should not tell you this. Computer …?’ 

Right as he was about to delete the whole message there was a beep at the door.   
“Come in”, Jim said.

“Am I disturbing?” Bones entered the room and looked around. “Good, I feared you’d drag your number one into bed once again if I don’t stop you. You drank a bit much. Wanna tell me what your recent mood is about?” 

Jim just stared at him in a dark mood. 

“That green-blooded overgrown elf once again? Jim, I know you are friends but it’s completely normal that people get promoted if they don’t screw up their job, you know? It was only a matter of time. That doesn’t mean you’re no longer friends.” 

“I love him, Bones. I love just love him. And I know, I know, he’s vulcan. Nothing illogical will ever happen and even if he’d ever love me we’re both men and it’s illogical and all this shit. There’s nothing I can do to make him change his mind. To make him love me. But that doesn’t mean I can stop loving him. And now he’s gone. I had a perfect friendship with him, it was enough not to die of the pain of not having him but … now he’s gone and I’m all alone and each time I say ‘Computer, send message’ I …” 

The computer made a sound and Jim jumped forward to it. “Shit. SHIT! I forgot to stop recording. I forgot to delete it.” He sighed. “Just kill me now. He won’t ever talk to me again.”


	9. Illogical

Spock stared alternatly at his computer and on the PADD with the new mission. This was going to be … interesting. Was he supposed to act as if he never had received Jim’s message? Obviously the captain had been inebriated and it was possible to convince him that he in fact did never record the message. But was that what Spock wanted? 

He sat on the bed, petting Elf with the one and Captain with the other hand. Only those two remained in his quarters, the others were back in the lab. He found it oddly comforting to pet the cats whenever he was trying to think. 

“I do love him”, he told the cats. “And he is right. It is illogical to act on this feelings. But I have to admit that it is hard not to do so. Not only would it be reassuring to have a partner once I have to face Pon Farr once again, it would also be pleasing to my human half. It is difficult to always surpress the need for physical or emotional closeness sometimes.” He looked down at the cats and wondered if that was the reason why he liked those pets that much. They gave him warmth without asking for emotional reactions.

“I should contact him. I … “ He sighed and arched a brow on himself. Since when did he give into such urges? “Into battle. Computer, start recording.” 

‘Dear Jim, 

the Va’num will now be commissioned to explore one of the planets you just visited. You have found a primitive culture of humanoid natives and we will provide sociological data so that Starfleet has a full report on the planet. I believe the Enterprise will be ordered to accompany us as we have not enough weapons to stand up against a possible romulan attack. Therefore I will be able to give you your cat.

I … I also think we might have time to talk about … I do believe that I found the right way for you to make sure you do not have to always turn down your first officer. If she realizes that you are no longer available as a potential partner she might give up on you. I ... might be interested in assisting you in that plan. 

We will see each other soon.  
Until then I do hope you do not change your mind.  
Spock’ 

He thought for a moment and added:   
‘PS: I do not believe that vulcans are able to purr, but I am a scientist, I wish to verify or falsify the possibility.’


	10. Second thoughts

Jim was as nervous as a school girl when she was close to her first crush. He wanted to run toward the transporter platform but when Spock materialized he just stood there, petrified. He noticed that he never truly believed to see the slim figure of his favourite vulcan ever again.   
Only after Spock offered the traditional salute of his people Jim find the strength to move again, mimicking the gesture. “Captain Spock, I am pleased to see you again, is that …?”

He pointed to Spock’s left arm. A sleeping bundle of fur was cuddled against the vulcan’s chest, secured with an arm to hold it to the warm body. “Elf. If you still wish to adopt him?” 

“Sure I wish to. Look at this little cutie. Come and join me for a drink. I think we have time to let Elf discover his new home before we brief the crew. It’s not as if there was any sign of romulan movement out there and your landing party has not yet had any problems.” 

“Agreed.” And with that Spock lifted the small cat off his arm and gave it to Jim.   
~~~~~

Once they arrived at Jim’s quarters the vulcan let his guard down and stepped closer to his human friend. “As I was saying, I might be interested in assisting you in … convincing your first officer that you are ‘off the market’, so to say. If you would accept my offer.” 

Jim smiled and raised a hand up to the sharp cheekbones, caressing the hot skin. “I thought you’d never speak to me again. Or act as if you’d never gotten my message. Or worse, tell me that you think this is illogical and be completely vulcan about it and … “ 

“I am vulcan about it if you want to put it that way”, Spock interrupted. “You said that you love me. And I have to admit that our friendship shows every characteristic of love, including my wish to be physically close to you. Therefore it is only logical not to deny it. What is, is.” His hands laid at both sides of Jim’s hips, holding him close, but still there was empty, cold space between the two bodies. 

Finally Jim pulled Spock closer, sealing hot, thin lips with his own, immediately feeling Spock reply to the kiss, feeling flesh hardening against his belly. It was almost too perfect.

As if lighting had struck him he let go, broke free off the embrace and took a few steps back. “I .. can’t. Spock. I can’t. I want to. You have no idea how much I want you. But … It’s been months. It’s been almost a year in which I didn’t see you. And no one can guarantee that we will ever have an assignment that has both our ships in one place ever again. Hell, even our messages sometimes take a week. So there is not even … We can’t even have old fashioned phone sex.” Spock opened his mouth to say something, but Jim continued. “No, it’s not just about sex. But touching is impossible, too. No kisses, no … anything. If we do this now, and we’ll have to spend our lives apart from each other again in only a few weeks, it’ll break my heart.” 

He saw hurt in the vulcan’s eyes. But still Spock nodded. “I understand. I do believe that if we were to make our … relationship public, that we would have the same privileges as other couples on seperated starships. But I understand if seeing each other only every few months on a short shore leave will not be satisfying for your … needs.” He knew that Jim Kirk was not exactly to be called a sex camel. He seemed to need to mate even more often than the average human being. 

“It’s not about sex, Spock!” Jim had to fight down his frustration. “I could live with that. I could even live with your seven year cycle … Which does not seem to be necessary …” His gaze had travelled down the slender figure in front of him. “But I can’t live being apart from you. I … Even just as your friend it is painfull, physically painfull not to have you hear. I miss your voice, I miss your advice, I miss everything about you and it kills me. If we were … If we’d do this now, if I knew how it feels to make love to you, to fall asleep in your arms, I could not live another day without it. Please forgive me.” 

Spock swallowed hard. “There is nothing to forgive. If I understand correctly, love is also about doing anything to protect your loved one from harm. If it would cause you more pain than it would be the source of pleasure to be with me, it is the right thing not to try to change your mind.” And even though he could understand the human, he would have killed for just one night. One more kiss. “In this case I believe it would be best to call all senior officers to a briefing. I will be in the conference room. I … I hope you and Elf will get along.” With that he left the room, to try to pull himself together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry. I truly am. I cried while writing this. But it's not the end, don't worry. There will be at least one more chapter, and maybe an epilogue.


	11. Landing party

They had not seen each other in days. Every communication was made by the respective communicatons officers, including a warning from Federation Intelligence. They had been contacted by the romulan leaders that terrorists stole a warship. And the only reply was that it might be a trap, so that any attack on Federation ships or bases would not result in war, even though it was actually the romulan government ordering the attack. A message only submitted by the Va’num’s communications officer although Jim was sure that even the exact words had been used by Spock before he told his officer to send the message.

Jim began feeling even worse than at the thought of being a couple without seeing each other. He knew that Spock only gave him his freedom so the human would not have to suffer even more pain, but he asked himself if he destroyed their friendship. 

So whe the Va’num called in and asked for a security team to accompany Captain Spock as he was about to join a landing party - obviously the Va’num’s first officer had no particular interest in the new rule not to let the captain beam down to the surface - Jim decided to go with them. He wanted to breathe fresh air and he wanted to see his friend. 

~~~~~

Of course Billy had to come with him. He should have known. She had an interest in the planet’s fauna and wanted to see if the birds were anything like on earth, so she said. It was awkward to stand between the man he loved and the woman he had made love to. And Spock glancing at her when he thought nobody would notice was not exactly making him feel better. 

“So, what are we up to?”, he asked and tried to sound as cheerful as possible. 

“We will extract samples from various plants and both rivers and lakes. We hope to learn to understand the chemistry of this planet and why the plants are toxic to us, while the natives consume them on a daily basis, even though the natives are very similar to humans in their body chemistry”, Spock explained and started to move toward a near forrest. 

“How is it going, then? The social research on the natives?” It had been at least fifteen minutes of silence when Jim tried to make conversation again, if only to hear Spock’s voice. If only not to be shut out of the vulcan’s life for good.

“They seem to be primitve as your report stated, but they seem to have aggressive …” He stopped, because a spear almost hit his foot. “Take cover!” Soon there were arrows and spears everywhere and it was hard for them to find a place to hide. 

“Kirk to Enterprise, immediate emergency beam out. Get us out of here!”, Jim yelled into his communicator, raising his voice even more when he saw an arrow hitting Spock’s side. But the vulcan pulled it out. “Wrong side if it aimed at my heart. It is only a laceration.” 

“Sir, we have problems ourselves. A romulan ship just decloaked and started attacking the Va’num. We can’t lower the shields”, Sulu replied and Spock immediately froze. His ship was under attack and he was on the planet. 

“Do all you can to keep the Va’num save. They don’t have enough weapons to defend themselves. We’ll find a way to stay alive down here. If you have to leave us behind, do so. Kirk out”, Kirk ordered and reached for his phaser. “Everyone take your weapons. Primitive or not, we have to fight. And … BILLY!” 

He had not noticed before but his first officer was lying on the ground and a huge spear, as thick as his arm, had drilled itself deep into her chest. He hold his head down while he ran to her, holding her hand while Spock and the security men fought to keep the natives at bay. 

“Billy, hold on. We’ll get you back to the ship. Just don’t die, okay?”, he pleaded, but he saw the life fading from her while he spoke. 

“Jim … ‘t was fun. You know … I love you.” 

“Hush, don’t talk. You need your strength.” Also he did not want to hear that. He did not want to disappoint another one who loved him. 

“I know you … don’t love me. It’s alright. But … find the one, ‘kay? You’ve been so ... sad and lonely since I .. came aboard. You need … someone …” Jim called her name, shook her body, but she had died. And just then, only a few seconds too late to maybe save her live, he felt himself being beamed up. 

~~~~~

“Status report”, Jim yelled and jumped off the platform toward Scotty. 

“We defeated the romulans. Their ship exploded, but they almost destroyed the Va’num, too. Life support isn’t working, most of the labs are gone … We’re evacuating them now, using all transporters, even the cargo ones.” 

Spock stared at Jim. “Captain. I have to get him.” Then he turned to Scotty. “Beam me over to my ship.” 

“That’s insane. There’s not much air left to breathe. The hull has been breached several times”, Scotty tried to convince him to stay, but was shushed with a simple “Do it”. 

~~~~~

Spock ran as fast as his lungs could let him toward his quarters. He didn’t care for anything in them but his cat. He found the golden bundle of fur on the bed, still breathing but weak and once again ran as fast as he could. He used his tricorder to see if there were others, but as Scotty said, most labs had been gone. No animal life signs except for Captain. 

He hurried into the transporter room, feeling even his vulcan strength leaving him, as he programmed the coordinates and the short time intervall to allow him to step on the platform.


	12. Epilogue

“So, what do we do now?”, Jim asked once they left Commander Arlington’s memorial ceremony. In the past few days there had been almost no time to talk. There were accommodations to plan, so that almost everyone had to share their room with a former Va’num officer now, and even though Spock had moved in with him, Jim had not found the courage to raise the topic of how to go on with their friendship. 

“The journey to carry the Va’num to dry dock will take approximately one month, thirteen days and five hours. The process of repairing every damage, including replacing the very expensive laboratories will take another 18 months. In that time I would have to work at Starfleet Headquarters as there is no need for a captain if a ship is not able to fly. I do not wish to work at a desk, therefore I plan to resign my command. Would you give me the permission to apply to the vacancy you have? I believe you are in need of a first officer.” 

Jim stared at the vulcan in disbelief. “You’d come back to the ship? You would give up command to come back? For good?” 

Spock nodded. “Indeed. I found that I do not wish to command a ship. I have failed once again. I have not been there when my ship and my crew needed me. I do not deserve a command and I do think that my talents are more useful in other positions.” 

Jim stopped, reached out for Spock’s hand and pulled him close. A good old, warm hug was exactly what he thought the vulcan needed. “You did not fail. And there was nothing you could have done. But I’d be glad to have you back. Just one warning. I seem to have a tendency to end up in bed with my first officers.” 

Spock nodded. “I heard about that. But I am willing to take that risk. And I believe your bed to be extraordinarily comfortable. May I try it?” 

Jim laughed. Spock had lived among humans for far too long if he was able to tease him that much. But he didn’t say anything but took the vulcan’s hand and drag him to their shared quarter’s. To see that there were two cats sleeping on the bed. 

“Seems to be occupied. But I could show you the shower? I think about getting the tendency to make love to my first officers there, too?”, he asked, winking at Spock. 

Without hesitation, Spock walked to the bathroom door, pulling off his clothes while walking. “Agreed”, he replied, now fully naked. “Are you coming?” 

Jim gazed at the slender man, taking in every detail, while a grin grew on his lips. “I am so going to come, I’m sure of it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's it. Thank you for reading. I gotta say I'm not that happy about it. But I just wanted to know what is going to happen myself, therefore I did not add too much detail into ships, planets and missions. Sorry for that :)

**Author's Note:**

> I hope it won't be too long until I can post the next chapter, but I'm currently working on my master thesis, so it might take some time. 
> 
> I don't know anyone who could beta, so if anyone is intersted...? I'd be honoured, as english is not my native language.


End file.
